my sister in law

Re: my sister in law

Postby Spreading Salt on Wed May 30, 2018 5:27 am

Dearest Yeshua,

Please let her recover completely from her knee surgery. Let her healing be complete with no complications. Lord, work on her heart regarding her hoarding issue. Help her see the need for change. In this situation, use each moment to give her a different perspective. May she experience hope instead of despair. Guide her thoughts towards the necessary changes. Thank You for providing for her future residence. Help the family know how to best comfort and guide her as well. Thank You Jesus. Amen
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:16 pm

Thanks again to all you prayer warriors!

Just a quick update. My sister in law is home now from rehab (much too soon IMO) her knee is healing nicely, but, she has developed a very itchy rash all over her body. The doctors cannot seem to pinpoint the cause, likely some allergic reaction to medication. She is extremely uncomfortable and cannot sleep. Please pray that with the removal of some medications this rash will clear up and she can get on with recovery and strengthening her knee.

Thanks all!


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Re: my sister in law

Postby sacredcowbasher on Mon Jun 04, 2018 8:13 pm

:praying:
Gal 2: 14-19 But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, "If you, being a Jew, live in the manner of Gentiles and not as the Jews, why do you compel Gentiles to live as Jews? We who are Jews by nature, and not sinners of the Gentiles, knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified. But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is Christ therefore a minister of sin? Certainly not! For if I build again those things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. For I through the law ( the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus ), died to the law ( the law of sin and death ) that I might live to God. Parenthetical remarks added are mine.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:32 am

:praying:
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sun Jun 24, 2018 10:05 am

Thanks again to those who have been in prayer for my sister in law. Her rash has improved, but sadly she is not keeping up with her therapy, her other knee has been giving her severe pain which makes it difficult. Her doctor did give her a brace and a cortisone shot, so hopefully these will help.

She has gotten comfortable in the house again, and is still surrounded by her hoard. Not sure how long until the house forecloses but she has absolutely no plan in place for her next living situation. It is sad. She has a college age son living with her and is not thinking at all about his future either.

One of these days in the not too distant future I am pretty sure that I will be posting about the unfolding drama that will ensue when the you know what hits the fan!

Thank you for the continued prayers for her and this situation

God bless you all

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sun Jun 24, 2018 3:17 pm

RT: The cortisone shots are good, but the gel shots are even way better. If the cortisone doesn't "stick" or as soon as it wears off and she starts reporting pain (which could be very soon, sometimes within days), don't delay, get her back to the knee doc for the gel, which is the next step, and which has given some people some pretty good relief.
Do keep in mind that if she gets the gel, it will be a few months after that before she can get the knee surgery. In other words, if they give her the gel, she will then have to wait a few months before she can get knee surgery or replacement....so if surgery is really on the horison, keep in mind the gel will extend the time before she is able to get it.
That said, I have friends who have gotten the gel, and they have had significant relief from it.

I have prayed for all of this that was indicated and am continuing to keep her in prayer.

You're a great SIL. :hugs2:
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Re: my sister in law

Postby burien1 on Sun Jun 24, 2018 4:17 pm

:praying:
Psalm 119:105; Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby sacredcowbasher on Mon Jun 25, 2018 7:26 am

:praying:
Gal 2: 14-19 But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, "If you, being a Jew, live in the manner of Gentiles and not as the Jews, why do you compel Gentiles to live as Jews? We who are Jews by nature, and not sinners of the Gentiles, knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified. But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is Christ therefore a minister of sin? Certainly not! For if I build again those things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. For I through the law ( the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus ), died to the law ( the law of sin and death ) that I might live to God. Parenthetical remarks added are mine.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Sep 07, 2018 5:17 pm

Just a short update concerning my sister in law:

She never really kept up the therapy, but manages to get around okay. The other knee gives her a lot of pain though which makes it hard.

She is now seeing a psychiatrist, not sure whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't know how I feel about modern psychiatric care, seems that most just want to throw mind altering drugs at the problem. But we'll see.

I think today was the day she was going to get to see the actual doctor and perhaps get an initial diagnosis.

I guess my prayer is that this doctor would be able to help her manage her life a little better. Whether through therapy or drugs, something needs to happen to get her on a course to living with some bit of reality in mind. The other hope is that if she gets a diagnosis, then perhaps she will get approved for some kind of disability assistance. But I don't know how that works.

The house has gone into foreclosure which will be uncontested, so not sure how long it will be until she needs to be out, but she is still no closer to finding a new place to live. There are a ton of foreclosures around us going on- it is ridiculous, so it may take a rather long time.

Anyway, that's where it stands at the moment, continued prayers appreciated.

Thanks

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby burien1 on Sat Sep 08, 2018 6:35 am

:praying:
Psalm 119:105; Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:46 am

RT, the length of time the foreclosure takes, particularly since this one isn't being contested (if your SIL filed bankruptcy it would halt the foreclosure, or at least in SC that's what would happen).....anyway, the time it will take for the foreclosure to be complete has more to do with how aggressive the attorney doing it is about getting his or her stuff filed timely.

I work for several law firms who do foreclosure, and many of my clients get their foreclosures done in 5-7 months. The banks have gotten aggressive about wanting these things completed. We can guess why....they're paying the interest, carrying the unperforming loan, etc.... so they seem to make the attorneys compete with each other (for lack of a better explanation....what I mean is if the attorney takes 3 days to do "X" task and another firm takes 2 weeks, the one who is faster gets more business)......Our clients are very strict on us about our turn around time....and this is why. Also, since we do work at various parts of the foreclosure, I see the case from beginning to end when we do a search to certify through the end of the case so the bank can sell the property it has taken title to......I know for uncontested cases, with one firm it's a 5-7 month timeline almost all the time. Another firm takes about 8 months, so they're a little slower about staying on top of their filings....

Just wanted to chime in and tell you, 1) bankruptcy should stop the foreclosure and/or 2) If uncontested, safest bet is to count on 5 months at the earliest, but it's possible if the attorney is performing by a structured timely plan, which many are these days.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:54 am

Also, if she's hoarding like this, she likely does have a mental diagnosis and perhaps one that will qualify her for assistance. Honestly, someone I love very much has borderline personality disorder. She struggles terribly and even though she has all these plans to accomplish this or that, she somehow seems to blow through every day not getting very far along. She also has lots of issues with relationships and so forth.

First, psychiatrists and therapists have been essential in helping some of us deal with her. They also know how best to communicate with her in order to help her do better with her situation......and I see this person's hands shaking like a leaf on a tree all the time....she suffers tremendously.....it breaks my heart......and yet, who could help her if not for these people?

Second, I dont know much about hoarders, but I know that the person with a mental illness in my life gets overwhelmed often. I think she is going to need professional services such as housing, help with medical care, etc. If hoarders are similar, then this may be the solution for what comes next. She may not be able to take care of herself.....and other hoarders may not, either.....I just don't know. I know with BPD, this looks to be the case, so I am trying to help my loved one get good people in place to help her...because without them, bad things can happen to my loved one.

All that said, these people I have been talking to in the profession do reiterate to me that my loved one has to be the one to show up for the help, etc......
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Thu Sep 13, 2018 9:00 pm

Godsstudent,

Thanks for the info.

I think she may have BPD and bi polar 2. And her hands do shake all the time too! I do not think she has told her psychiatrist that she is a hoarder. But her other mental health issues should help her get some assistance. Though she was already denied twice. There is a 10 year waiting list for housing assistance programs in our county and surrounding counties aren't much better.

As for declaring bankrupcy, she does not own the house. Her ex husband does, and he has no interest in stopping the process. Basically she is a squatter, or at most might be considered a tenant, though she does not pay rent and has no contract to live there. I did a bit of research and found that if she is considered a tenant, then she would be given a 90 day notice to vacate once the house is sold.

It has been almost a year since he stopped paying the mortgage, not sure how long it takes from then for the bank to foreclose if it is uncontested. Everything I can find about it for NYS says 8 to 18 months depending on the courts.
So I am thinking any time now. I have been watching Zillow to see if it shows up as a foreclosure sale, so far it hasn't.

My prayer is that with the help of this new doctor she can start to at least think about her future and where she is going to live. She is completely unrealistic about it. basically she wants a house in the country, with a yard, and lots of storage space in the town she currently lives in. She has no savings to speak of, her only income is back child support payments from her ex husband, she does not work, has only ever had a job on the books for less than a year of her whole life. Other than that she did babysitting and cleaning. On top of that is the hoarding and her physical health which isn't good either. She is a wreck!

She refuses to even consider renting an apartment and insists that she will only ever live in a house.

The family fears that her mother will end up buying her something, or move her into her trailer, which she will leave to rent an apartment. The problem is that my SIL couldn't afford the bills and rent, so that would mean her mother would likely support her financially. Which isn't anything new.

The positives are that she is a believer, so I know God can work on her behalf to meet her needs. She has friends and family that also follow Christ, who are willing to step up to the plate when needed to help her. She has a psychiatrists and a therapist, and her physical health issues are being addressed, though at a snails pace. I am cautiously optimistic that somehow everything will work out and God will provide the means for her to have a place to live.

Thanks for the prayers and for the info.

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Fri Sep 14, 2018 7:34 am

The only other thing I might could say to help is that our State, SC, has a website that displays the courts public records. You put in the defendant's name and all cases come up, then you can click on the case and see whats been filed and so forth. If you know the ex's name and the county it's being foreclosed in, I imagine you can find the case and see what's been filed. If you have that information, we could easily determine at what place they are in the foreclosure. You could also follow the case to the end and KNOW when it's completed and property sold. Also, it will be in that same case that the "Writ of Assistance" is filed, which is what they file to force those living in the property to move out, and fwiw, when the Writ is filed, your SIL will be served anyway....so if she tells you what's going on, she will tell you about this.

My friend who has BPD also has grand dreams of what she will be in life, where she will live and so forth. The reality of her day to day is that it takes her a very long time to accomplish little things, so getting from where she is to where she believes she is going is not going to happen...but that is what mental illness is about.....and my heart hurts that it's so.....
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Sep 14, 2018 5:31 pm

Thanks GS, I did check online as you suggested, and did find some records , I found a Lis Pendens, which I discovered is a first filing for foreclosure which was filed on August 3rd. Which should mean that she has some time, months at least and perhaps up to a year or more. The other record I found was a confession judgment, which I found out is is "a written agreement, signed by the defendant, that accepts the liability and amount of damages that was agreed on. A confession of judgment is a way to circumvent normal court proceedings and avoid a lengthy legal process to resolve a dispute." The grantee is Support Collection Unit, and the consideration is $78,416.00, which I assume is the amount owed on the mortgage. This was filed on August 7th. So now it is a waiting game to see how long it will take. Thanks for the info, it was very helpful. I never would have thought to even check online for court records.

My friend who has BPD also has grand dreams of what she will be in life, where she will live and so forth. The reality of her day to day is that it takes her a very long time to accomplish little things, so getting from where she is to where she believes she is going is not going to happen...but that is what mental illness is about.....and my heart hurts that it's so.....


Your friend sounds very similar to my SIL. I wish there was some way to help them. But they have to want to help themselves first as you pointed out.

Thanks again GS

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:04 pm

If the owner of the property gave the plaintiff a confession of judgment, then the owner is cooperating with the plaintiff in the case to avoid a lengthy foreclosure period, so it looks like things won't go the "normal" course, as it's a rare thing, at least here in SC, for the property owner to do such a thing (from what I've seen). I am NOT a lawyer, so I am only speaking to things I know as a common person. (I know you know I am not a lawyer, but want to make it clear to anyone reading).
Anyway, I imagine your SIl will get notice to vacate soon enough.....
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sat Sep 15, 2018 6:59 pm

GodsStudent wrote:If the owner of the property gave the plaintiff a confession of judgment, then the owner is cooperating with the plaintiff in the case to avoid a lengthy foreclosure period, so it looks like things won't go the "normal" course, as it's a rare thing, at least here in SC, for the property owner to do such a thing (from what I've seen). I am NOT a lawyer, so I am only speaking to things I know as a common person. (I know you know I am not a lawyer, but want to make it clear to anyone reading).
Anyway, I imagine your SIl will get notice to vacate soon enough.....


Yes, and it really won't matter how long it takes, I think whenever it happens, it will create a crisis and will require the intervention of others to mitigate it.

Thanks again GS for the info-

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sat Sep 15, 2018 7:37 pm

Sounds like you're right on target with this, RT.
I will continue to pray for her and you and this situation.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Wed Nov 07, 2018 11:05 pm

Not a whole lot to update on. But just wanted to share that my sister in law is responding to the meds that her psychiatrist prescribed. She is sleeping better and her mood is a bit more even. She has even started to consider where she might live once she has to leave. Though she is still unreasonable about her options. I have to wonder how she will even be able to rent a place. She has no work history to speak of, she did cleaning jobs off the books for years. She has no credit history. No one will give her a good reference. Her only source of income is the money she receives from her ex husband for back child support payments. She has no job, was denied disability twice and the waiting list for housing assistance has a ten year back up. I don't know if anyone would rent to her.

One good thing though is that a woman she cleaned for left her a substantial monetary gift when she passed away. Enough to perhaps purchase a mobile home? Also her knee has healed well and she is able to get around a lot better now. She will have to have the other knee done in the coming year.

Thanks for praying. The Lord always seems to provide for my sister in law.

RT
Last edited by Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Nov 09, 2018 2:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Thu Nov 08, 2018 8:18 am

Stacey, have you ever read about borderline personality disorder? I have had to learn a lot about this lately and your SIL sounds like she suffers from it.
Warning....there is a lot of misinformation and disinformation out there on this, so when you get to the part about early childhood abuse and trauma, dont take that straightforward. That could be as simple as....the patient didn't form relationships well and always got into trouble as a kid in school and was ostracized by other students and even teachers/administrators.....and not these horrible abusive parents who were mean to their kids.....I mention that, because I think a lot of people might read the symptoms and causes and stop at the abuse thing, thinking no, this can't be whats going on, because I know so and so wouldn't have abused this person as their mother/caretaker.
Anyway, if she has BPD, then there is also a chance that she has co existing stuff with the BPD, as many do.
But read about this, maybe, and see what you think.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Nov 09, 2018 2:39 pm

Lisa, I do believe that my SIL was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I will do some reading on it as you suggested. I don't think she was abused as a child but she was born a preemie and spent weeks in the hospital without a parent on any regular basis. Her father died when she was 10 also. Her mother said that she was always a handful, and she had major temper tantrums where she would become physically violent, sadly this still happens on occasion. It will be interesting reading whether this is consistent with the disorder. Thanks for the advise.

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Re: my sister in law

Postby sacredcowbasher on Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:56 pm

:praying:
Gal 2: 14-19 But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, "If you, being a Jew, live in the manner of Gentiles and not as the Jews, why do you compel Gentiles to live as Jews? We who are Jews by nature, and not sinners of the Gentiles, knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified. But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is Christ therefore a minister of sin? Certainly not! For if I build again those things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. For I through the law ( the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus ), died to the law ( the law of sin and death ) that I might live to God. Parenthetical remarks added are mine.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:01 pm

Hi Stacie:
Yes, the sufferers of this disorder have extreme abandonment issues as well as lots other stuff going off. The abandonment issues can be set off by VERY innocent comments that would not affect others at all. Also, they cannot take advice and do not allow anyone to tell them what to do....even their parents. Law enforcement gets a pass often, but they only control themselves in the presence of law enforcement, most often, if they are going thru an event. Family members can be yelled at for hours at a time and physical abuse is very frequent. The best way to communicate with them is validation of their feelings or thoughts....ie: they say I feel like I am in a time capsule and time is running out. You say: I hear that time is running out and you are in a time capsule.....it keeps them pliable.
They also have other extreme behaviors, lots of sexual partners, drugs, alcohol and other disorders...shopping, hoarding....etc.
They are often just not living in the real world, but you can't say that to them or you become their target. Again, validate and beyond that, figure out how to get to the next place for them. They (many of them) are completely unable to take care of themselves in reality and their thinking is often distorted...as in lofty thinking and pie in the sky thinking.

There is of course more, and I am learning more about this. It's a very grave and serious dx....one of the very worst. Often the people who live with them are completely undone.....and for good reason. That said, there is a therapy called DBT which can help them function, but they have to go to therapy every week, stay on their meds and even getting them to admit they have this and be willing to do therapy is a stretch for a lot of families. Some families dont report this trouble....and the person will go to therapy because they deal with so much going on in their heads....some things are basically the same for all involved and some are not.
Anyway, I would have called this for your SIL earlier had I known more about bpd, but I just found out about BPD when my daughter turned 18 and the officials could actually make a diagnosis (they aren't allowed to diagnose before the person turns 18, so life can be pure he double ll until we even know what is going on). Anyway....now we know. :(
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Spreading Salt on Thu Nov 22, 2018 8:09 am

Dearest Yeshua,

Please guide this situation to a better season. Provide a home. Provide medical attention. Peace for each moment. Help them trust You through every day. Thank You. Amen
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Tue Nov 27, 2018 6:52 am

Lisa,
Thanks again for your insights, I found this article which seems to describe the situation to a "T"
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... ersonality

It's pretty fascinating, but so sad too.

Sorry that your daughter has mental health issues, it's so difficult to relate to them where they are at, trying to understand how their mind works is difficult, but educating oneself is a good place to start.

Thanks again, your posts have been very helpful.

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Wed Nov 28, 2018 1:06 pm

Hi Stacey:

Yes, I understand completely what you are dealing with, and you are right, learning how to communicate with them is the best first step to being able to help them move forward, and most of all, keep from "setting them off," even though you are trying not to. I am happy that you are gaining useful information to help not only your SIL, but maybe her mother, your MIL, too....and even your husband???

There are a few really good books, too.
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, PhD
Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger

These are two that were recommended to me and that I am learning from and that, in support groups for those of us with loved ones with BPD are finding to be useful.

God Bless,
Lisa
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Feb 01, 2019 6:43 pm

It's been a while since I posted an update here

My sister in law has been seeing a psychiatrist regularly and also has a social worker assigned to her.

She is responding very well to medication, is much more even tempered and rational. Though still hasn't dealt with the hoarding and I wouldn't say she is "normal" as I would define it. But definite progress that can be seen.

She also had a court date recently concerning collecting disability. It looks like that might be happening, though I am unsure of exactly what she will receive. It should help in getting her some kind of housing assistance though. I get my info second hand from her sister who she talks with regularly. I have chosen to take a back seat for now. Eventually I am sure that will change, since I am the one on hand to physically help, her sister lives out of state. No word yet on when the foreclosure auction will happen. I have done some research and it seems that they are a bit of a farce, the banks outbid everyone else to keep the value high and eventually they put it up for sale. So for now she gets to live in the house for free and maybe that's for the best. She may be in the house for a considerable time. But it all remains up in the air.

There are some strikes against the house- it requires flood insurance, which is a hefty price add on. It's in pretty bad shape, needs a major renovation. Flea infested, mold. Might not sell for quite some time. Some foreclosed homes in far better shape in the same area have been for sale for three years already. So who knows, this can could be kicked down the road for a long time.

I am glad she is getting help finally.

RT
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Re: my sister in law

Postby sacredcowbasher on Fri Feb 01, 2019 8:33 pm

Thanks RT for the update. Glad in this case that things are slow in the caee of the foreclosure process. Also glad that she is getting some help. To me, resting from the situation sounds right at this time. Glad you can keep in touch with her sister. God is good!
Gal 2: 14-19 But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, "If you, being a Jew, live in the manner of Gentiles and not as the Jews, why do you compel Gentiles to live as Jews? We who are Jews by nature, and not sinners of the Gentiles, knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law but by faith in Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Christ Jesus, that we might be justified by faith in Christ and not by the works of the law; for by the works of the law no flesh shall be justified. But if, while we seek to be justified by Christ, we ourselves also are found sinners, is Christ therefore a minister of sin? Certainly not! For if I build again those things which I destroyed, I make myself a transgressor. For I through the law ( the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus ), died to the law ( the law of sin and death ) that I might live to God. Parenthetical remarks added are mine.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Fri Feb 01, 2019 10:49 pm

Wow, as I read your update, RT, I could literally see the hand of God moving to help your SIL....so beautiful and powerful to see that He makes a way for all.....I am so grateful for Him.....He is so good to all of us.....SO GOOD.

So often with mental illnesses, psychiatrists and medications help the disabled to maintain better, but the mental illnesses dont go anywhere and they still struggle. I am so happy she is getting treatment and will be praying for her.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Thu May 30, 2019 5:28 am

Just thought I would add an update on how things are going with my sister in law.

She is now seeing a psychiatrist, and is on medication. This has drastically improved her mood swings and has helped her sleep better and I believe given her a clearer mind. That is a huge benefit.

She is still in the house and who knows how long she has to live there. It's a double edged sword, on one hand she lives there rent free, so what the heck, stay as long as you can, but on the other hand when the time comes that she has to leave she won't be prepared to move, and her options will be far more limited. She is still unwilling to accept any help with finding an alternative living situation.

The back log of foreclosed properties in our area is immense and she could literally have years until she is asked to vacate. I am not sure how it looks inside, I have not been there for over a year. Supposedly she has been cleaning things out, but I don't know what that means. I do not think that she has dealt at all with her hoarding issue with her doctor. And of course her mother is still enabling her.

she did end up receiving some disability assistance, but it is very minimal at $300/month.

So it all still remains to be seen, in the end where will she land?

I appreciate any prayers for her and our family as we navigate these uncharted waters.



*edit to add: Just found out today that My sister in law has until the end of June to vacate the house she is in.


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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Fri May 31, 2019 7:08 am

Am praying RT! It is so sad to see what mental illness does sometimes.....sad and hard to know what really needs to be done sometimes, to actually help them....enabling isn't the answer.....and tough love, imo, works well with some and doesn't get a good response with others (*thinking out loud here, and not necessarily where your SIL is concerned....just of those around me with mental illness and what they go through and those who love them go through).
Its a hard subject, for sure....and often so sad to have to see and work with.
I am sometimes encouraged by those who work with the mentally ill, and disgusted by many others, for their actions and words.....(speaking of the professionally specifically here).
Maranatha!!!
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sun Jun 02, 2019 10:27 am

Thanks GS,

Yes it is sad to see what mental illness does to a person. Though I have to say my sister in law has improved a lot with medication. But mental illness is still such a stigma in society, people look at those who suffer and don't relate their issues to physical imbalances, but see them as lazy, incompetent, stupid. My husband's siblings have a really hard time sympathizing with their sister. They have put up with a lifetime of her issues and not all of them are related to her mental state. They have no respect for her and believe that if she just applied herself she could live a normal life. The problem is that she can't just do that and it is incredibly frustrating to all of us to have to deal with her.

It really is a lesson in navigation, learning how to relate to her in a way she understands, having patience in guiding her in the right direction. It's hard, but not impossible.

From what her mother tells me, she is looking at possibly purchasing a mobile home. I honestly think this is her best option, she has some cash set aside, the lot fees are fairly low and she wouldn't have to worry about inspections from any landlords who may threaten eviction when they see her hoard and also her son would still have a place to live. I think this is the most affordable option for her. She could apply for assistance but the wait list is 10 years long in our county. So there really isn't much point in that.

My prayer is that this plan will work out, a plan which she initiated and therefore she can happily live with.

Thanks for the prayers and you have mine too!

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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Tue Jun 04, 2019 10:19 am

They...of their own fruition.....sometimes......REQUIRE that others stop and cater to them and their wants.....and yet, they struggle to systematically improve their own situation.....some of them, at least.
I do think a degree of tough love helps them mature, when that is needed.
I am not speaking of your SIL, because I don't know enough of her situation.
I just know of one close to me who struggles to make good choices and decisions.
So,....and yet.....people working with these individuals need to get on the same page and help them.
BUT....we have the HIPPA laws in place, which severely hampers the process in these cases....unless someone gets a court order and guardianship.....which can be difficult.
These situations are hard and hard to deal with. Love is the answer.....but sometimes even love means making hard choices and decisions to help them, and prevent enabling them.
So difficult to navigate. So difficult.

I am glad your SIL is coming up with a solution for her situation. I am prayerfully hoping that the Lord will help get this done and help stabilize her. Also praying for those working with her....that they know the next right step to take going forward.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Wed Jun 05, 2019 8:03 am

Thank you so much GS, your prayers and insights mean a lot to me!

I think of you and pray for you often, hope you are making progress with your health issues and on the family front as well.

God bless

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Re: my sister in law

Postby Spreading Salt on Tue Jun 11, 2019 12:33 pm

Dearest Yeshua,
Please help her find a new place to live. Thank You for Your provision in their lives. Encourage her to continue to clean up and clean out the excess. May her therapist do wonders for her mental health issues. Bless RT for continuing in prayer for her SIL. We all need You Lord to handle so many things. You are Sovereign and You are good. Amen.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Thu Jun 20, 2019 7:36 am

Latest update:

So it appears that my sister in law has no intention of finding a place for herself to live, nothing meets up with her expectations, staying in her current area, wanting a garage, having a large lawn etc.... There are very few options available to her that she can afford that meet these expectations. I have found some very nice alternatives for her but she is unwilling to entertain them. From what I have heard from her sister and my mother in law she has to vacate the premises by the end of this month, a little over a week from now. They seemed resigned to the fact that she will be moving in with her mother, who lives in a trailer park. She has rented a second storage unit and is busy moving the rest of her belongings into it. Her sister thinks that she may even be a help to my mother in law, I am not so sure.

From the start we as a family were strongly opposed to them living together, I honestly think that it will bring about my Mother in law's demise, though her daughter's mood swings have improved with the medication, I still think the stress to my mother in law will affect her health greatly. She is already overwhelmed with the few things she is "storing" for her daughter, I cannot imagine how she will be when the hoard starts developing around her in a tiny trailer.

My prayer is that somehow this will not happen, though it would at this point take a miracle. I also ask for prayer as I seek to have a talk with my mother in law about all this. My sister in law also has a son who no one is even considering. He just graduated from college and is seeking to go to trade school. Will he be moving in too???

As usual I appreciate the prayers

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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Thu Jul 11, 2019 12:27 pm

Oh the drama!!!!!!

It begins, I have anticipated it and tried to prepare, but now that it's starting I find I am not ready to deal with it. So it is definitely my sister in law's plan to move in with her Mom , with her son and their cat. The family and friends are concerned about my mother in law's health. But she insists she will be fine, I know that is not the case. She has somehow bought into the delusion that her daughter will only be staying a couple of weeks, I told her that it will more likely be months or even years. Basically she says she has lived her life and if she dies prematurely she is ready to go. So all I can do is wash my hands of it. I told her that if at any time she is at the end of her rope and needs me to intervene I am more than willing but she needs to keep me informed. However I am not confident she will, I know the sway my sister in law has over her, my mother in law is easily confused and she will keep her from talking to me. Needless to say it grieves me that my mother in law's last days will be fraught with stress and anxiety, which I have tried hard to prevent for her. But in the end she cannot say no to her daughter and I and the rest of the family am left to watch helplessly from the sidelines.

Thanks for the prayers, please continue, if by some miracle God would provide her some other place to live, I have tried to help her find something, but nothing meets her lofty expectations. She wants a middle class life on a poverty level income.

Also pray for me, I know this will have a profound effect on my relationship with my mother in law and will change the whole family dynamic.

Feeling rather down about the whole thing, I need a vacation from toxic people.

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Re: my sister in law

Postby mark s on Thu Jul 11, 2019 1:10 pm

Heavenly Father, Please supply to RT what she needs from You! Please increase her faith in your working, and give her much wisdom to understand the good responses to impossible seeming situations, and supply unending strength in her spirit to get through all of this!

In Jesus Name!
ειπεν αυτη ο ιησους εγω ειμι η αναστασις και η ζωη ο πιστευων εις εμε καν αποθανη ζησεται
. . . saying to her Jesus, I AM the resurrection and the life, the one believing into Me even dying shall live . . .
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Re: my sister in law

Postby burien1 on Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:46 pm

:praying:
Psalm 119:105; Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Fri Jul 12, 2019 5:15 am

Stacey: I am praying. I am also seeking to accept my now adult child's choices and decisions, with the mental health issues she has, and have joined an online forum where others, who have loved ones with my daughter's mental illness, gather. The mental illness is remarkably the same for all of them who suffer with it, which soothes and comforts me in a strange way. Now that my child is an adult, and making her own decisions (regardless of how I feel about them), I am learning to bite my tongue and be supportive of those decisions, even if my opinion of them is far from a good one. It's her life, and these are her choices, and the repercussions (or not) of them are hers, too. My job is simply to love her and offer her support....a very hard thing for me to do.....in order that we can retain the relationship in the best way possible. I am very new at this, and to be honest, struggle greatly, because I don't like a lot that goes on, but again, she is an adult, and these are her choices and decisions and this is her life....not mine to run or comment on, honestly.

Sidelining myself was hard, but the relationship was too strained and difficult when, even if I was giving sound advice, I gave my input. My daughter didnt accept it well and a rift was created. Now, I simply work on loving her and listening to her plans and accepting her situation (she does, and feels like she is moving towards another direction with things). When I jump in and try to offer assistance, it isn't useful and worse, my child doesn't even see it or take it as it's intended.....mental health issues create very different circumstances and there is so much to it.
How many times have I had to tell myself I didn't cause it, I can't fix it....and out of pain for trying, I simply take the advice of those who have gone before me, and learn that I must let it be....as is.....and her life is not my choice or decision. Stacey, it's hard, because her choices are nothing like what I want for her.....NOTHING.....

Your MIL and SIL are both adults and have made their decisions.....I'm sure they've heard you out....My suggestion would be to be there for them now.....and keep the relationships as healthy as possible by letting them do as they wish. Empathize.....and be light as a feather.....

I know it's not over....as it's not "over" here, either. I am praying for (and getting) a better understanding....and learning a few things which help my pain over the situation, and also, which helps me to have a better overall dialogue with my child.
I will continue to lift all of you in prayer. Like you, I want a break from all the toxic, but in reality, I am having to learn to adjust my expectations and do things differently, because they are family members.....and there will be additional chapters to this story line.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Spreading Salt on Fri Jul 12, 2019 5:32 am

Dearest Yeshua,

We know You are in control of all things. In this situation, we pray for peace for RT. Help her to trust You. Use this season to grow faith and heal relationships. We pray for protection for RT's MIL as she opens her home. Please prevent the hoarding to overtake her environment. While they are all together, heal relationships and keep open discussion as to the needs of the home. Let RT be involved as much as You desire her involvement Lord and with the noninvolvement, help her to accept those times too. Use it all for something wonderful Lord. We also pray that RT's SIL and son can find their own place within their budget as soon as possible. Amen.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sat Jul 13, 2019 2:32 pm

Thank you all, it means a lot to me to know others are praying!

I hear you GS, I can't imagine having to live with a person who has mental illness. It's really hard for me to distinguish what is my sister in law's mental incapacity from just her belligerent attitude. I feel very sad for her and the situation she is in, and I really wish I could help her somehow. But it seems the only help she wants is for others (including me) to facilitate her hanging on to her hoard, which any sane person isn't willing to do. When I told her I wouldn't store her stuff (junk) she got downright nasty. Which makes it very hard for me to be around her. I guess borderline personality disorder and bi polar 2 disorder are common among people who hoard. I feel for their families.

I also feel for you and all you are going through, the good thing is that you know. My sister in law didn't get diagnosed until she was 54 and my Mother in law was always grasping at anything to figure out what was wrong with her when she was younger. So much bad precedent was set during those years, my mother in law fostered a co dependence that really did not help at all. I am glad that you found out sooner and are learning what to do to cope with and help the situation before falling into bad habits.

God Bless

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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Tue Jul 16, 2019 4:50 pm

Spreading Salt wrote:Dearest Yeshua,

We know You are in control of all things. In this situation, we pray for peace for RT. Help her to trust You. Use this season to grow faith and heal relationships. We pray for protection for RT's MIL as she opens her home. Please prevent the hoarding to overtake her environment. While they are all together, heal relationships and keep open discussion as to the needs of the home. Let RT be involved as much as You desire her involvement Lord and with the noninvolvement, help her to accept those times too. Use it all for something wonderful Lord. We also pray that RT's SIL and son can find their own place within their budget as soon as possible. Amen.


Yes, please, Lord. Amen.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Sun Jul 21, 2019 12:57 pm

Hi Again all, and many thanks for the prayers.

Here is the latest update (condensed version):

Last week my sister in law went over to her Mother's who had spent her whole day sorting through boxes of her daughter's things that she has been piling up in her garage. She also went through some of her own things as well and threw some away. Well apparently my sister in law had a huge blow up. My Mother in law was extremely upset by it and I think the light bulb went off in her head, realizing that living with her daughter is not a good idea.

I took my Mother in law to an appointment on Friday and out to lunch, she shared with me that she doesn't want her daughter's things piling up in her home, and she also does not want her to live with her. I told her that the thing that will motivate her daughter to action is necessity, that she must put her foot down and tell her firmly that she cannot live with her under any circumstances. The problem is that her daughter who is a master at manipulation will completely lose it, which may cause my mother in law to relent.

I told her that I will gladly step in and tell her daughter myself or be there with her when she does. I am totally willing to be the bad guy and stand up to her daughter if necessary. I have found a few different options for living situations that would suit her budget, but she has turned them all down flat. She has also accused me of meddling and told me that what she does is between her and her mother and is none of my business.

So here it is, what I now need my prayer warriors to intercede for:

Please pray that my mother in law will not lose her resolve, I plan to call her tomorrow and talk with her about confronting her daughter with the news that she won't allow her to live with her. She needs to do this soon so that we can work to get her into a different living situation, the sherrif's sale is scheduled for September 25th and she has been frantically moving things into a second storage unit and into her mom's place thinking that they could come padlock the door at any time.

Pray my mother in law has the courage to speak to her daughter and the peace to do so calmly without being manipulated by her daughter's response.

Pray for her daughter that she would not become physical and harm her mother or me should I be the one to tell her and also that she will come to terms with this idea and even embrace it. (A tall order)

Pray for me, that if I am the one to talk to her, that I would remain calm and speak to her in love and not anger in the face of her belligerence and that the Lord would give me the right words to speak to her.

lastly please pray for a place where my sister in law could live, that would be affordable and that she would be willing to move into and that she would do so soon.

Thanks so much my dear brothers and sisters for your prayers, they do make a difference of that I am certain!

God bless you all

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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Mon Jul 22, 2019 8:39 am

Praying for you all.
There is enough time, for now, to implement a place for the SIL to move to, as long as everyone is honest and firm in their boundaries and needs. If the daughter knows for sure that she cannot move into mom's house, bottom line, and no manipulation will be tolerated, then she will redirect. Make sure the messages aren't mixed, but very clear, so she won't wishfully think (with a little love bombing and manipulation tossed in there for good measure!).
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Wed Jul 24, 2019 6:13 am

GodsStudent wrote:Praying for you all.
There is enough time, for now, to implement a place for the SIL to move to, as long as everyone is honest and firm in their boundaries and needs. If the daughter knows for sure that she cannot move into mom's house, bottom line, and no manipulation will be tolerated, then she will redirect. Make sure the messages aren't mixed, but very clear, so she won't wishfully think (with a little love bombing and manipulation tossed in there for good measure!).


Working on that GS, my Mother in law did tell her, but was not, in my opinion, direct enough or clear enough. She told her she doesn't think that she can tolerate living with her, which is not the same thing as saying you cannot live with me under any circumstances. So it's up to me to encourage her to be more direct.

Just this week I sent two links to options for my sister in law to check out, but I have no idea if she is even considering them at all. My gut tells me that she will stay in the house until they force her to leave. which will mean that she will need somewhere to go in the interim, and that will likely be her mother's, and once there, there will be nothing to motivate her to leave.

I am going to give it a couple weeks, and then I may go to my sister in law myself and confront her about her need to find a place right away.

She has made "love bombing and manipulation" into an art form!

Thanks so much again for the input and the prayers!

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Re: my sister in law

Postby GodsStudent on Wed Jul 24, 2019 3:00 pm

I am going to give it a couple weeks, and then I may go to my sister in law myself and confront her about her need to find a place right away.

She has made "love bombing and manipulation" into an art form!


As a friend, and seeing the trainwreck from a mile away (because I know a thing or two about the manipulations and love bombing, which turn to intense hatred and abuse when "splitting" occurs with these mentally ill)......I am just going to speak to you here as the friend that I am to you....true and frank....and at the end of the day, wanting to ensure that you are prepared.

The MIL is looking for someone to take the heat for her, which is why she, knowing full well how her daughter really is, isn't being direct and clear about what her boundaries are. The more you promise to handle this for her, the more she is expecting you to handle it for her. Will she "back you up" when the SIL confronts her about what you've told her the MIL wishes are, or will you be hung out to dry across the familial lines....with the daughter manipulating her way into mom's house anyway, because this paper plan, with more holes in it than swiss cheese, could be shredded up by the scrupulous mouse with a hankering for a good chunk?

Mom needs boundaries.
SIL needs clear communication and a firm understanding that while mom loves her, mom does not feel like, at this time, she can live together with the SIL and her son. SIL isn't going to make it easy for you to speak for mom on matters (that would be in her best interest), you didn't need to speak about.
Mom still has to own her truth here.

Iwill continue to pray. What a mess many of us have to deal with in this fallen world, huh???? I admire you for fiercly loving and protecting the elderly here, Stacey.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby burien1 on Fri Jul 26, 2019 6:02 pm

:praying: for this situation.
Don`t have much time to comment anymore. My own life is a bit upside down the last 5-6 months. I am taking care of my mom, who has stage 4 cancer.
Keeping up with prayer requests even if you don`t see me comment.
Psalm 119:105; Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:12 pm

GS,

You are spot on with your assessment and advise. Thank you! I can tell you speak from experience!

In the end there is really not a whole lot I can do. My MIL and SIL do not need to listen to me. So I am taking a wait and see approach and not offering to do anything more at this point. I have tried to find places for my SIL, and have advised my MIL, but they are adults.

In the end I believe my SIL will end up with her Mom. She is still entertaining ideas that are way beyond her means, which will ultimately mean that her Mother will give up her own lifestyle in order to support hers. Then when she is gone the money spigot will be turned abruptly off and where will she be left, in the same predicament she is in now, with no where to live and with more stuff to deal with. I know that she will stay in that house for as long as possible until she is forced to leave. That could be a while, there are no guarantees the house will sell at the sheriff's sale, then it would go on the market, there is such a glut of foreclosed real estate on the market here now that many nicer homes have been for sale for years. I am not sure the house is that attractive to buyers, it has a mold issue,needs a new leach field, it requires expensive flood insurance and the inside is pretty trashed, the bank will have a hard time recouping their losses.

The Lord knows I have tried and I am still willing to step in and help should either of them need me to. But I have drawn the line at what I am willing to do. I know when I am being manipulated and will only go along so far, I do have limits, thank you for helping me see the edge of my limits more clearly. I needed someone outside the situation to point that out to me. You see everyone in the family assumes I will handle the situation, including my husband. They are all too happy to let me do so.

Thanks again Lisa!

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Re: my sister in law

Postby Resurrection Torchlight on Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:14 pm

burien1 wrote::praying: for this situation.
Don`t have much time to comment anymore. My own life is a bit upside down the last 5-6 months. I am taking care of my mom, who has stage 4 cancer.
Keeping up with prayer requests even if you don`t see me comment.


Thanks for the prayers burein1, sorry that life has thrown you a curve ball, I will keep you and your mother in my prayers as well.

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