I pray to God, this will touch someone because it is so behind me now. I feel so driven to have written this and, oh my goodness, post it in public!
Okay, here it is, my testimony!
I was born in 1957, to a pedophile father in prison, and a mother who came from an abusive home. I was almost born in jail because my father robbed a gas station while my mother was in the car, and my mother went to jail too. Thank goodness they let her out to give birth to me! My mother endured many live- in men in her home growing up. (my grandmother never married then, just did the live-in thing.....4 kids, 4 different fathers) My mother began enduring sexual abuse at a very early age. This was in the 1950’s, when that was shunned and ignored. My grandmother came from a broken home too, stemming from a high 33rd level Mason.. He had a Christian burial, followed by a mason burial with all the demonic rites cited. It is all documented, I have the obit if you would like. He was a member of the Knights of the Templar, and a Big time Shriner. My mother left her home @ 14 yrs and married my father to get out. He went to prison while she was pregnant with me for robbery and raping a 9 yr old girl. My only full blooded sister was born 3 ½ yrs later. My mother divorced him when I was about 3 yrs old. She married my stepfather right away. They had 2 more live girls together (and 8 miscarriages or still borns). He also came from an abusive home, but this was physical beatings
Folks, I got the best of both worlds. Sexual abuse, and physical beatings. Had I been seen in a hospital these days with the strap marks on my back, butt, legs, and face, my parents would have lost parental rights. Had there been someone to recognize a sexually abused child, I may have received help. But that did not happen. I learned to both fear and hate the world.....and all who lived there.
Amazingly enough, I was so intelligent that I sailed through grade school. The teachers did not know what to do with me. They let me study beyond my grade (this was before talented and gifted classes). My mother had my IQ tested, and I scored 165! This went so far, then I became bored.
In the 5th grade, my parents put me in a catholic school (my stepfather was catholic), and I was so unruly and rebellious. I was in fierce fights every day. I played sports. The girls hated my talents. I had been accustomed to playing sports with the local boys, so I had become very tough. The girls did not understand this. I had no understanding of emotional states of girls, and I did not want to. I was the Tomboy your mother had nightmares about!
The Catholic school advised my parents, I should not return for the 6th grade. I went back to public school. The 6th grade teacher I had was very embolden to encourage a few of us to study at our own pace. We did. I was actually enjoying school again. Straight A’s all the way. But like everything else......All good things must end.......
One night, in the middle of the night, while at my grandmother’s house due to the heat in our home being broken, Our home, and everything we had, burnt to the ground. I actually woke up before the phone call to my grandmother, the first clue that I would have dreams. I knew what happened and went back to sleep without being told.
I was never a normal girl. This fire took the life of my only friend.....my Rat. I always had a report with animals, and this actually shook my hardened heart!
My mother, decided to contact my biological father after the fire. She wanted him to know “we were okay”. Since I was so young during his trials, I never knew he was a pedophile. My mother failed to inform me of this before she granted visitation rights.
From the age of 11-14, I endured my real father’s molestations and rapes, and my stepfather’s beatings! Then my mother forced me to testify against my biological father for rape. In those days, the victim was persecuted! I HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!
I ran away, I started stealing, doing drugs, drinking, sleeping around . I will not go into the details, but in 1973 I was sentenced to a reform school in Oregon. I spent 2 yrs in high security there. I was remanded to adult court for attempted murder and several counts of burglary and robbery after an escape from there. The people dealing with me knew that I was intelligent, and they somehow held out hope in me! They went to bat for me. I had already tattooed my body beyond belief, and through the state I had allowed them to try and remove them, leaving hideous scars. Although they are recovered with beautiful art, I still live with them everyday as I write this. Charges were dropped and they paroled me @ 17 yrs old to my biological father! He never tried to touch me again. I was seeking to be emancipated when I met an adult male who I though was for real. I was pregnant with my first child right away. When I refused an abortion, the father tried to beat me to death. I escaped and went to a home for unwed mothers. I met my first husband while I resided there. It was a great home, but not much in way of discipline.....so of course, I took advantage.
I had my daughter in Dec 1975, 4 days before I turned 18. I married the “nice guy” I met when my daughter was 3 weeks old. He was willing to accept her. Of course, when I became pregnant right away.....things changed. I had a medical condition with this one that rendered me bed ridden. If I dared to get up, I would bleed profusely. I felt rejected again when my husband demanded I abort. I refused. I turned to someone I never knew. I begged for mercy. I prayed everyday to Jesus Christ. I had no idea who he was, I only had heard his name when in catholic school. But I was desperate.
When I was 5 weeks from delivering, I had a major bleed. They rushed me into ultrasound because the clots I was passing were the size of your fist. I suddenly stopped.......The ultrasound showed I was normal. The doctors were all saying “it is a miracle” I never grasped the whole scope of it ( I had a Placenta previa). I was released against medical advice due to the fact I was 4 cm dilated. ( my husband refused me to stay) I delivered a healthy baby boy 2 weeks later, (11 1/2 mo. after my first child) although my hemorrhaging afterwards caused me to stay in the hosp, later having my tubes tied (at 18, this was rare) End of child bearing!
Now come in post partum depression, something nobody knew about. I had nightmares every night....they were paralyzing, some demonic. I could not function. I hated my life and after hearing the bitter words of accusations from this man I married. I left. The chief of police took me out of this isolated town.....and of course, tried to seduce me. I WAS SO SICK OF PEOPLE!
I spent the next 3 yrs fighting custody in my divorce (my ex happened to re-marry a freak who worked for child protective services) I could spend a lot of time on what happened here. Bottom line is, I lost custody of my son, but my daughter was not his, so I raised her......and my son grew up thinking I had abandoned him. It bit me later, believe me! I spent 5 yrs with an alcoholic, abusive man who almost beat me to death many times. His ex killed his 2 yr old son, and then blamed me for interfering in her relationship! I was so grief stricken with the loss of this child I helped raise. I left him and started stripping to raise my daughter. Shortly after I started traveling, I had a premonition that something bad happened in my family. Coming home from a dancing contract on the Oregon coast. The closer I got, the worse it got. I had my babysitter go to my door when I got home. There was a note on it. Call my grandmother. My sister’s son had been beaten to death at 18 mo. old! To this day, no one has been charged with that crime.
I almost drank myself into oblivion, I started shooting meth. I met a cook in the “good ole days” when I was stripping for a living. I prostituted myself....but I never really gave myself over. I lived with him for 5 yrs. I was hooked on meth and heroin. I was on stage in Alaska when I looked at the audience and decided I had enough. I went o NA and AA and left everything behind. I was going to get clean or die.....I knew it!
I went back to Oregon and made a few more mistakes. Then I started having revelations and visions. I got scared.
This could become a novel, but I will make it short. I tried to walk right in the eyes of my newly found God. I began having spiritual warfare right away. I remarried a couple times, but my last husband left me for a teenage boy. (guess it is true you marry someone like your father). That all right after I was delivered a death sentence, oh yeah, I have chronic active Hepatitis C from all my drug use. I had 2 full courses of treatment, chemotherapy that failed! Folks, I have been to the pit and back.
I will say this....I love God and Jesus with all my heart, no matter what. I am married now to a man who has a true heart, but he is manic depressive. That is okay, compared to what I have seen, he is truly an honest man who loves God. I love him with all my heart! I endure spiritual warfare every single day of my life. I am used to it by now. God MUST have a purpose for me. The dreams and visions I have are sometimes so intense, I cannot share them. But I have hope and faith. I know for a fact that these are the end times for the world. I may be damaged goods, but I have Love in my heart in spite of all that has happened......that my friends is a miracle. He came to save the broken, there are not many more broken than I. If he can save me, he most certainly can save you.
Amazing grace has a very deep meaning......listen, seek, trust, Jesus is Lord.
Last edited by Lookfortruth
on Sun Sep 03, 2006 9:46 am, edited 1 time in total.